People often ask me what pronouns I prefer. When I first started crossdressing in public in 1991, passing could be a matter of life and death, and gender-appropriate pronouns were essential for safety reasons alone. Today there’s somewhat more tolerance for gender diversity, at least in relatively cosmopolitan places, so I frame the issue differently.
I don’t always present as female, but if I am presenting as female, it’s polite to use female pronouns, even if safety isn’t an issue. Think of it this way: Subcultures normally have codes of conduct. Suppose you visited a motorcycle club and opined loudly that riding motorcycles is stupid. At best you would not make friends. Similarly, addressing a visibly transgendered person with inappropriate pronouns constitutes refusal to abide by a code of conduct, and it will rightly be perceived as rudeness. It’s not a felony, it’s just boorish. Doing it once by accident is forgivable. Doing it persistently or intentionally is no better than addressing people with slurs.
If I’m presenting as male and someone addresses me with female pronouns I take it as a compliment. I’ve crossdressed for much of my life, long before it was fashionable or even remotely acceptable. I made sacrifices, faced rejection and hatred, and narrowly escaped many dangerous predicaments. I crossdress primarily because I like the way it makes me feel, but it has a revolutionary element. I joined the larger societal struggle against strict gender roles. It took guts, and still does. Calling me “she” even if I happen to be unshaven or wearing pants is a gesture of respect and solidarity, and I appreciate it.
I have never claimed to be biologically female, and never would, because I consider it disrespectful to women, given the hideous discrimination and violence they’ve suffered and continue to suffer due to their lack of a Y chromosome. I have a lot of sympathy for women who feel threatened by men. I’ve been threatened by men, and it’s scary as hell. To be fair, I’ve been threatened by women too, but rarely, and I’ve only faced the threat of sexual violence from men. I can easily understand why some women might not feel comfortable allowing men in their space, even if they make an effort to blend in.
Which brings us to bathrooms. On more than one occasion I have literally had my life saved by the ability to use a women’s bathroom. Transgendered people are targets of male violence with nauseating frequency. The reality of being transgendered is that using the wrong bathroom isn’t just humiliating, it’s potentially suicidal. So cut transgendered people some slack on this point. But it’s a two-way street. If you’re a transgendered person in the other gender’s bathroom, think of yourself as a temporary ambassador for all transgendered people. We’re counting on you to make a favorable impression, so be on your best behavior. Keep to yourself, do your business and then leave. That’s part of our code of conduct too.
No doubt we have way more serious problems to worry about than pronouns, but little things matter and sometimes add up. Significant victories over racism, sexism and homophobia have occurred during my lifetime. I’m honored to have lived through that progress, and language changes are part of the deal. For what it’s worth, my friends call me Chrissy.
